Author: Paddy Summerfield

6/ those leaving steps gone

And in the morning she saw me out.
The door was open, and into town.
A taxi swinging into the street,
past the coffee shops, the sound of feet,
down the slope and along the way,
those leaving steps gone behind me.

Clouds gathered, evening came.
Tonight I’ll go back to where you were
and, if you want answers, “I’m in the bar.”
You hoped for a holiday, a forget it all;
across the buildings rain fell.

There are men driving up and down with money.
If love can happen once it can happen again.
Up with the skirt and into town,
I can have it if I want it, but I don’t want it;
I hang around the pub,
last orders gone.

5/ I hardly give you a thought

And yes, when you get to heaven
and there’s no one there,
it’s just another sad idea.
From under the trees, into the shade,
I slipped.
The world stood still;
as I sat by the road
I felt the pain of remembering,
I long to be wherever you are.
I know what it feels like for you to be no longer here.

Some days I hardly give you a thought,
and the thoughts I’ve had don’t matter anyway.

3/ when she danced she cried

And from your bed you’ve come
and back into mine, as you’ve always done.
“I’m leaving my job,” she goes.
I said, “I’ll do the same.”
We went drinking and left on the evening train.
Without money you’re in prison.
We nicked the ladders, walked up to the house,
put the last bit in the van.
Couldn’t lock the front door, we didn’t know how.
I took out a cigarette, darkness fell.

“I’m not married,” she said.
I pushed up against her, she looked at me.
I looked back to see what she was at.
She’s had every kind of love,
with her broken down walk and high heels.
The street lights shone on her face
and when she danced she cried.
There’s tears and tragedy on stage and screen.
The fruit machine offers something for nothing,
and takes everything.
You get caught up in a car chase on a video game.

1/ Was wandering around, wondering what to do

Was wandering around, wondering what to do,
a corner of the sky through the window.
Man makes God up.
The wind has dropped
and there’s this thought that comes from nowhere,
I remembered I won’t be seeing her.
Suddenly I saw her,
then lost her along the pier,
down the place and up the street.
Never sober enough to remember,
I lifted my face; up came the gulls
over the surveillance camera,
below, street litter.

And over the roofs an ocean sky,
and her gone from the café,
skirt rising up, losing her feet,
beneath the swinging branches,
borrowing money, and away.

I loved her then, some of it true.
Love lasts a bit, you get pulled into it.
Her blouse was undone.
I had no opinion.
I felt free, my heart was open.
Now I am silent and separate
with everything to regret.

To See the Meaning

And when you scream at me
It seems to me
Undermining my identity.
Identity crisis,
Crisis me

I want to be reborn right now
With our skill I’ll be there somehow.
When they’ve punished me
By making me feel inferior
And my life is full of fear,
And there’s no encouragement or affection,
I stand without direction.

Somehow you must move on in joy,
In distress you only destroy.
You’ve gotta descend before you rise
To see the meaning of your disguise.
And everything with its meaning,
In all the emptiness and distance
No one can join you on your journey
No one can touch you-

No one can be me.

I Am Here

All my days have dreamed my life away
And what I say is reality
Could not make true the thoughts I say.
No one gets into my sanity.
I’ve seen so many people undone
I know how mankind has suffered so.
But in the end there’s nothing to be won
And didn’t you know I just come and go.

Four….five….six….seven
I appear.
I am not.
I am here and then again

Everyone’s got a little bit religion
Everyone’s got a little bit indecision
Everyone’s got a cross to bear.
But I am here, and then again
I am not.
I appear.

When You’re Not You

When I was young I had my fun,
Gambling, drinking, that sort of thing.
It was my way of saying
If you don’t believe in me,
How can I take life seriously?
And now it’s time to cross the line
And say that’s why I wasted my life away.
Nobody saw – how can you expect people to see?
Society would not let me be what I wanted to be,
And I played the fool and everyone knew
They couldn’t believe in me,
So I couldn’t take myself seriously.
And so I say that’s why I’ve wasted my life away.
I’ve always concealed myself,
never been real to myself.
It’s so hard to be true
when you’re not you.
It’s so hard to change
When people expect the same.
And that’s why I say
I wasted my life away.

Beyond The Universe

The sea is sparkling
with summer in the sky
June… July….
I’m back in heaven
where the pubs are open.
Tell you one thing, I’ll win the lottery,
That will show them.
Across the street,
The God particle is almost visible
Beyond the universe, over the horizon
Begins the start of everything.

And in the picture she’s the one
with glass of wine, blonde hair-
she looks like a few famous names:
what would I care?

It’s been a long while since I was with her.

Love lasts a bit, you get pulled into it,
pushed away, pushed out of it.

I Remember

Up the stairs
off the street
down the place
there’s a sea-side restaurant,
a dance-floor.
And in the late night
I remember their names,
the nice-looking ones.

And when evening ends
in the car
in the car-park
we embrace.
In the darkness
I feel your breath,
I just wanted love
like everyone else.

She leans back
this she does.
In the sweet night
I touch her face.
I wanted love,
like all the rest.

Who Could Take Me Away

I need a woman, a friend,
To help bring me to the end.
I need someone to hold me
When I am wrong,
To hold back the tears till I’m gone.

So when the day has passed
And my mind has been overcast
I can lean on one elbow
and remember a girl
Who showed me something we could share,
Showed me there was nothing to despair,
Believed in what I could achieve,
Showed me in who I could believe,
Who could take me away
From all those lonely pints in hotel bars,
Late night conversations in parked cars,
Evenings by the television,
The emptiness that follows physical passion,
Who could help me through this unrest
And give me strength
To see my weakness.

People Pass

She’s in the cafe,
outside buses pass by.
Her coffee cup casts a shadow,
sunlight on the floor.

They’re playing a song
just like the last one;
sunlight across the door.
the hot sun begins.
I look at her hair.
Across the room she glances,
the waitress at the counter
she’s young
in her looks an unhappiness
through the window outside
people pass.

In The Street

In the street
people on their way,
in the street-life of the street all day.
Cigarette in hand, I hold it there.
I look down to see where the self ends
and here begins all of everywhere.

The girls go about
think about the boys all the time.

I saw one earlier on
She’s had loads, they say,
She’s caused plenty,
me being one.
I hear those leaving steps gone behind me
A taxi swings past the coffee shops and away.

Gone Are The People

One woman was no better
than the other;
The end of a relationship brings me to another.
There’s a lot of lonely people around here

She leans back, pushes away her chair
“What was that?” she says,
as I go to kiss her.

I make the same mistake,
buy another drink.
She don’t love me
Why should she?

In her heart she moves further away.
Gone are the people
from the table behind me

I put my glass down,
Check for messages on the phone.
Now outside the pub
the one I’ve just come from,
in my pocket my money gone.

Everyone

No one can fuse into you
Carry that isolation.
We have to understand alone
Understand how to share on our own.
When it hurts it’s hurting.
I’m trying to accept all the regret.

Full of contradictions and conflict,
I’m trying to accept things,
Learning to live with the crucifixion.
It’s happened, it’s over, it’s done.
What was it the world thought they were doing?
And when I’ve been rejected
There seems little incentive
To keep chasing the game.

But I’m getting to know what I know of me;
We are all the same person.
We are everyone.

The World Goes Round

There’s a world outside I know
And there’s a place inside I go –
Both are sad.
As meanings slip and slide
I can’t grasp what it is
In a life.
But you can ask
And while the world turns
It’s turning all the time.
The world goes round
The world around
And still I can’t explain
The reasons why we remain.
So picture the world
And the world as a picture.
Close your eyes
And you’re there
It’s no better no worse.
It’s all we have,
It’s how it looks
is how it seems
And all that goes on in dreams.

So Listen

The world passes through phases
certain people make changes
like us.
But people can’t see through
What is undone.
Listen to the living voice,
take what I am giving.
Only man has given life meaning.
so listen to your identity,
it’s our only chance of seeing.
Come on to the new horizon,
lose yourself in the forest, wood, tree.
it’s only dying into the new life,
You must believe in what is meant to be.
Look into the sun, sky, sea.
We know what it is we want,
What is to be done.
It will be so beautiful,
So final
Dying into the new life.
I can’t deny
I’ve seen the other side.
I can’t show you
You gotta arrive alone.
But what’s the use in looking
When people don’t recognise what they are?
It’s so clear
people can’t see.
It’s so sad,
Listen to me.

Her Name

I remember the night
but not her name,
the people at the bar, the fruit machine,
the car I drove,
her attractive friend
the way she looked at me,
and back home she came.

And the minute someone is kind to you
you feel better, you do.

I remember the night,
the way she looked at me,
the dress she wore,
my hand on her knee.

And the moment someone is kind to you
you feel better, it’s true.

You Never Quite Know

I’m in the pub again
and she’ll be somewhere.

You never quite know
with the people you know,
and I’ll never get back to telling her.

God is either there or not
I’m exactly right or absolutely wrong.
And if you think about the old days
you start to miss everyone.

I’m sat at a table smoking,
up and back to the fruit machine.
Cherry, bell, cherry.
Bell, cherry, lemon.

Hollow is the world.
hollow is my soul.
Hollow are the heavens
I can’t let go.
Hollow is the pub,
hollow is the hole.
Hollow is the night,
I have come to know.

You Know

I’m living with the addictive gene
Need the flow of adrenaline,
And you know what addiction can do,
I’m obsessed by the thought of you.
Spoil me, ruin me, spin me, indulge me,
I’ve got the fruit machine mentality.
And I need you to share
my addictive nature.
All I want from you
Is to be obsessed by it too.
I need to lose, I want to win
I’m a victim of the addictive gene.
I’m obsessed by the thought of me,
I’ve got the fruit machine mentality.

I need to lose, I want to win,
Need to be the centre of attraction.
Spoil me, ruin me, spin me, indulge me,
I’ve got the fruit machine mentality,
I’ve got the addictive personality.

In The Skies

There I stand
opening the car door,
on holiday.

She leaned forward
slowly,
brought her arm down.
Light filtered through
from the great unknown;
long before there were
buildings and people
in the skies,
centuries beyond.

Look how the sky goes on,
islands and other horizons,
and her on the evening sands.
The wind is more
than it was,

I kissed her soft mouth.
I said something,
her eyes were closed
she said nothing.
Like someone you once passed
but never met
would give you the most unhappiness.

On Foot

I’ve got a shiny
hand-washed car,
hot dog and coke
from around the corner,
and guess which one
I saw,
the one who used to be pregnant,
had a child by god knows who
Out there it’s a comedy
if you’re never sober.

I go down the slope
on foot,
past the speed camera.
Shops close down
people go from here.
The sun pours down,
she takes a photo.
“You’re lovely,”
she said,
“I’ll be back later.”

Across The Road

She had sweet breath
blonde hair,
tattoo
short skirt, rising legs,
fake tan, nice pair.

Everything’s all right
if you don’t care.

It’s not funny,
ha ha but it is.
She so loves me.

She’s only a few minutes
from my front door.
Between the cars,
across the road, I go over.

She’s got sweet breath
blonde hair, tattoo
short skirt, rising legs,
fake tan, nice pair.

Everything’s all right
if you don’t care.

It’s not funny,
ha ha but it is.
She so loves me.

You Can’t Share

There’s a circus in your head
you can’t share.
There’s a circus in your head that circles there.
There are tears on the terraces
unforeseen miseries in the game.
The fruit machine offers something for nothing
and takes everything.
There’s farce and tragedy on stage and screen,
you’re caught up in a car chase
on a video game.
There are circles in your head
you can’t share.
There’s a circus in your head
that circles there.

And the paradise garden will not reappear
and on this summer’s day
the way that you don’t love me
won’t go away.

And There’s This Thought

And there’s this thought that comes from nowhere
I’m reminded that I won’t be seeing her
And I wonder what’s happening to her
With her, in her.
And here I am
In this urban landscape
Silent and separate
With everything to regret.

And when the thought of her comes so suddenly
It takes me away from all reality.
And I wonder what’s happening
To me, with me, in me
As I go back to her place,
Her place so small
Yet somewhere I felt so secure.
It’s her place I recall,
It’s the thought of her place
I’ve felt before.

And I wonder what’s to happen
to me, with me, for me
As I stand in this urban landscape
Silent and separate
with everything to regret.

I Keep Looking Out

When I walk about
I think about
maybe I’ll see you
I keep looking out.

Looking for you on the street.
I glance up
look inside a passing car.
I hang around the shops,
it’s lunch hour.
Sunlight on the buildings
aeroplane trails in the sky.

When I walk about
I think about
maybe I’ll see you
I keep looking out.

A woman turns my head.
Yes, it could be said:
When I walk about
I think about
maybe I’ll see you
I keep looking out

Wandering Around

Was wandering around
wondering what to do.
and on the sea wall is written
“God loves you”

The wind has dropped and there’s this thought;
it comes from nowhere-
she won’t be back,
I won’t be seeing her.

I lift my face and up came the gulls
over the surveillance camera.

Below, street litter, and along the pier,
over the cafe an ocean sky.

Life can bring you a friend
and life can bring it to an end

I’m sitting in a place we used to love,
everything is as it was.

I felt the presence of your absence.

And here I am,
looking for someone like you.
an easy mistake to make,
as anyone might do.